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By Victor Mugabe

Let’s get straight to the point and establish a few things. First of all, those still hooked to the illusion of university life crafted by the gods of Hollywood, you are in for the shock of your life. No, your room won’t be cleverly crafted to match your bobo kitty stickers, you won’t have that one roommate who will eventually be your best man, and that cute babe won’t accidentally walk into your room on the first day.

On the contrary, you’ll probably have that one creepy guy who’ll try to get some leg in your first weeks. Your toilets will probably suck for those using the public showers, and somehow there is a universal ghost ruin that visits over night to the clean toilets before you can use them. And don’t get me started on the nasty secretary at the university offices.

Okay, I get it, am now freaking you out. However, all is well, because this is my classic guide to an awesome campus start. Firstly, lets split all you youngsters into your respective categories. Much as it’s a general repetition each year, we always have the same three categories. The nerds, the party animals, and the business men.

As a wise man once said, “You will need some form of accommodation”. Basically, you have four choices; hall, flawlessly nicknamed ‘gavumenti etuyambe’, by yours truly; hostel, rentals and your guardian’s home.

Now big brother Victor will break it down for you; ‘gavumenti etuyambe’ a.k.a hall, is a system of rooms organized linearly across a long corridor possibly with a public bathroom at the end which is usually in a miserable condition. These are usually clean from the hours 7-8 am as the cleaners have just made a great sacrifice for their country, surrendering their nostrils to the extreme horrors of ghost poop. Believe me, no one ever uses them and yet they are always full and unflushed. The rooms themselves are cleverly disguised to host like 3-4 human beings but somehow it always feels like there are more people than that. Chances are you’ll probably be lying on that one bed where some desperate housewife lay juju for her ex-boyfriend but what the heck, what’s life without a hint of old fashioned ‘ki-nigeria’ drama.

For my comrades in academia, the nerds, reading space is conveniently close to the lecture rooms and library thus making it easy for you to successfully capture any front seat of your desire on the first day of lectures. Food is highly flexible in taste as the semester progresses, but the best part about it all is the generous offer from hall window seal, where there shall be a wonderful view of the lovely campus ladies and gents as they struggle to get to class on time if you are lucky enough to see them. So choose your view wisely because that channel won’t change for millennia.

To the party animals, hall will be blessing you with the ability to party till 3 am and still get to sleep in your own bed (save for one which, for purposes of keeping the shock factor I shall not name). While for the unlucky few, mostly the ladies, sorry to break it to you but with hall, you’ll either have to dance till 7 am or cleverly plot a sinister sleep over with an unsuspecting sexless innkeeper.

To my fellow businessmen, still optimistic and fairly naïve, God bless the hall. You shall have ultimate power to monopolies small scale businesses targeting the lazy and bed ridden. In other words, in case you suffer with a case of non-originality, you will probably be competing with eight other guys on the same floor.

To my hostel dudes and dudettes, be wise. You have a great burden upon your shoulders as you will have to represent the university within your respective towns. You shall feed the economy with that hostel fee and hold up the rolex and kikomando in the eyes of all Ugandans. Don’t let us down. Be careful, as all the aspects of hall are highly anticipated in hostel and can easily be avoided or engaged when you make the wrong move. The ghost poop, the witchcraft, every single detail must be carefully strategized for. In other words, the only way you can walk into these in hostel is if you are desperate, excruciatingly late, or just straight up blind. Be sure as to interview all custodians ruthlessly and without mercy before paying that booking fee because one thing is for sure, no man shall enjoy hostel life unless he has mastered himself. “What time do you sleep, what kind of ladies or guys are you into, are you willing to give away your flat iron without fear, favor or discrimination?”

Clearly all who desire to sleep in a hostel have quite the decision to make. Do not fail me, as I may even be the man who knocks at your door for that bar of soap. Keep in mind that top floor belongs to the loners, middle for the loud music players and bottom floor for the disabled or late comers. Please maintain the status quo as any adjustments may lead to extreme discomfort.

Next is rentals, and as I call it, the fortress of solitude. Yes, as my cleverly structured nickname states, this will probably be a lonely road for you unless you were gifted with the god like abilities to make friends. Yeah shit happens like getting robbed, paying your own yaka or water, but at least you can privately get laid.

To all categories of youngsters, you will need a particular set of skills to survive. You will need to be able to cook; invite people over without seeming too creepy and flawlessly surrender your keys to a brother so that he can get his game on with his girlfriend(s). Small note, make him pay in cash because you will need it for supper later on.

Then lastly the dearest commuters. Visitors of all domiciles, carriers of homeland gossip, and models for the campus calendars on the street themed month. I commend these brothers and sisters of mine as they will have to bare the task of providing company to their lonely rental and hostel counterparts then maintain the overall appearance of a busy life style for all campus students. Be aware that you shall be bestowed upon sexy leg biceps by graduation time with a ton of worn out shoes for those who don’t want to use SafeBoda or Uber. Whatever category you belong to; this is the most convenient for all the above categories depending on the family you dwell with at home. Your assignments, parties and business plan will possibly depend on your chores and ability to butt kiss the one in charge at home. Finally, I do say to all commuters, be sure to carry some extra change for when your host will ask for contributions for sugar. Life is tough during mid sem.